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On Death, Divorce, and Heartbreak Part One: The Empty Hangers in the Closet

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empty-closet (1)Recently I had a session of WHOOP classes with two beautiful, journeying women. Each was going through a major life change.   Six months earlier Cheryl had lost her husband, and father to her teenage son, to a heart attack.  Susan was in the midst of the final decisions and signing of divorce.   During one class, I listened as they pondered their different perspectives of the empty hangers in their closets.

Contemplating this a bit more on my own, I saw how each of their perspectives, as well as mine with my divorce and the death of my parents, had spiritual wisdom in it.

For Cheryl the empty hangers that once held her husband’s clothes were full of sorrow and grief.  They were a reminder of what she had lost.   She had items of her husband’s she just couldn’t part with in honor of him. And others she held on to in case her son could ever use or want them as he got older and more his dad’s size.

At that time she could not even think about filling the hangers or space that his leaving left in her closet and life. 

Susan loved the empty hangers.  She was busy repainting and redoing the closet. She was looking forward to reorganizing it.   Her marriage had been rocky and unpleasant. She did have grief over the loss of dreams, the hardships of joint custody with her children, and the pain of thinking about her soon-to-be-ex with another woman, but she had a secure sense that in the long run, this was the best for all involved.

The empty hangers in Susan’s closet were a sign of relief and excitement.

During my own divorce I came across a magnet that said, “The barn burned down. Now I can see the moon.”   The empty space and empty hangers became one small odd way for me to see the moon–I would have more space and take over the whole closet!

Silly and shallow as it seemed, the empty hangers were the start of looking at the brighter side of a situation I had to accept.  

I remember cleaning out my mom’s clothes after she died. Her clothes were donated to a shelter for women who were starting a new life. This was a fitting tribute to my mom and bittersweet.

The empty space and empty hangers were a sign that someone was recieving a blessing towards their renewed hopes and dreams.

Three weeks ago my dad passed.  His closet has not been cleaned out yet, but I did go look at what was there.  The closet was a history of my dad—shoes and ties from work, golf shirts and hats from golfing trips and tournaments, sweat shirts and jackets from colleges he supported because of his kids and grandkids, a wild shirt I only saw him wear in retirement.

Thinking about the empty space and empty hangers for my dad, I could see them as a reminder to carry on what he inspired in me—hard work, do something you love and are passionate about even if it is a hobby, support others in their dreams, and have fun. 

Death, divorce, and heartache are painful to our hearts whether it is a tragic or an expected death, whether it is a divorce or a break up of our own choosing or another’s.    Living a spiritual or whole hearted life does not mean we become emotionless and not feel the sorrows of life.   I’d say we actually become more emotional!   If you are looking for more joy in your life, expect to feel more sorrow.

Welcoming, accepting, and moving through the pain in a way that is most loving for God, our self, and others is living wholeheartedly.   This is when there is joy in sorrow and where grief turns into rejoicing.

The empty hangers give us some clues on how to do this with death, divorce, and heartbreak—allowing the space to grieve, seeing the relief and joy, being accepting of what is, looking for the blessings, embracing the excitement of creating a new life, learning from the person and experience, honoring what was, believing and holding on for the rejoicing to come.

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Encouraging Your Whole Heartedness:

What empty hangers have you had in your life?  What was your perspective of them?  What did they teach you about living wholeheartedly?  I’d love to hear your heart!  Leave me your story!

Scriptures and Other Readings to Ponder:

Jeremiah 31:13    The young women will dance for joy, and the men—old and young—will join in the celebration. I will turn their mourning into joy.  I will comfort them and exchange their sorrow for rejoicing.

John 16:20  I assure you, most solemnly I tell you, that you shall weep and grieve, but the world will rejoice. You will be sorrowful, but your sorrow will be turned into joy.

Hebrews 12:11  For the time being no discipline brings joy, but seems grievous and painful; but afterwards it yields a peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it [a harvest of fruit which consists in righteousness—in conformity to God’s will in purpose, thought, and action, resulting in right living and right standing with God].

Psalm 30:11  You did it: You turned my deepest pains into joyful dancing; You stripped off my dark clothing and covered me with joyful light.

A Buddhist thought:  Suffering is our teacher, it’s through our own experience and ability to contemplate suffering that we learn the First Noble Truth–The Joy Hidden in Sorrow.

On Joy and Sorrow
 Kahlil Gibran

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter’s oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

Some of you say, “Joy is greater than sorrow,” and others say, “Nay, sorrow is the greater.”
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits, alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.

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WHO ARE YOU Part 5: A Taste of WHOOP—Whole Heartedly Opening Our Purpose

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download (5)The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.  –Carl Jung

 10 “This & That’s” of the HEART of WHO YOU ARE

During one particular season in my life, I took lots of family photos. I was diligent about making scrapbook photo albums for each year.   I created pages and pages about the activities and events in our family’s life.  But inevitably, I would have single, random photos that didn’t go with an event, yet still had something to say.  I couldn’t leave them out, but there was no obvious place to put them.  Finally, I made a page called “This & That” so these precious pictures would have their spot.

This is how I see this final blog on WHO YOU ARE: here are important, precious, random quotes, musings, and thoughts that didn’t make the pages of the previous posts.  May they be a reminder of what was previously said and take you further in discovering your HEART and WHO YOU ARE.

1.  Remember there are two parts to who you are: Human and Spiritual.  Richard Rohr said this in one of his daily devotions.  Something to think about:

Catherine of Siena in her Dialogues pictures the spiritual life as a large tree:

  • The trunk of the tree is love (God).
  • The core of the tree, that middle part that must be alive for the rest of the tree to be alive, is patience.
  • The roots of the tree are self-knowledge.
  • The many branches, reaching out into the air, are discernment.

In other words, says Catherine, love does not happen without patience, self-knowledge, and discernment.  Today we have little encouragement toward honest self-knowledge or training in spiritual discernment from our churches. We prefer the seeming clarity of black-and-white laws. By nature, most of us are not very patient. All of which means love is not going to be very common. We need St. Catherine’s tree again.

2.  Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom. –Aristotle

Self Knowledge–understanding who we are, taking a really good look at what we are doing and how we are being–is important.   One of the defining characteristics of being human is our ability to be conscious—to be aware, to be mindful.  Therefore, being conscious of our self is vitally important to become who we truly are.  The most difficult phase of life is not when no one understands you; It is when you don’t understand yourself.   –unknown

3.  Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is more people who have come alive.  –Howard Thurman

I didn’t get into this too much in the past posts, but another aspect of WHO YOU ARE is what brings you alive.   The things that you love to do.  The things that you get lost in.  The things that make you feel icredibly joy-filled.  The things that stir your heart to action and accomplishment.   These are your passions and determine your PURPOSE.  And they have been given to you for a reason.  Each of us has been given gifts, talents, activities or causes that we have a desire to do. You were made to do those thing and to do those things in a way no one else would.   Here are some ways to figure some of those out:

    • In the 4 part series on Journaling, I gave an exercise that helps you define your passions. Go to the past posts on JOURNALING and do the fill in the blank exercise: When my life is idea I will be or have ______.  The exercise has several steps and they are highlighted in Part 2, 3 and 4 of the journaling posts.
    • Take a spiritual gift assessment test:  Discover Your Spiritual Gifts
    • Journal your answers these questions:
      • What do others compliment you most on?
      • What are your talents?
      • What are you trained in?
      • What experiences have you had in your life that have shaped who you are?
      • What do you love to do that you can’t wait to do?
      • What activity do you love to do that you loose track of time doing?
      • What matters to you?
      • What is worth doing, even if you fail?
      • What were you doing when you had times of great joy, bliss, honest contentment or fulfillment?
      • What things are you really good at?
      • What is the crazy thing you’ve always wanted to do?
      • If you had a whole day to yourself and all your obligations have been taken care of, what would you do?
      • Fill in the blank with as many things as come to mind: Meaningful work to me is __________.

4.  Your TRUE SELF is really spiritual.

When all else fades away in our life—titles, roles, status—what we are left with is our TRUE SPIRIT SELF. From the biblical perspective, here are a few things the bible says about WHO WE ARE:

      • we are fearfully and wonderfully made (Ps 139:4)
      • we were created in the likeness of God (Gen 1:27; Gen 5:1),
      • God is love and created us out of love (1 John 4:8),
      • He made us for a purpose (Prov 16:4)
      • He can work all things for His good purpose (Rom 8:28)
      • God is perfect (2 Sam 22:31; Rom 12:2) thus is incapable of making mistakes
      • we are living in fallen world due to selfishness/sin (Rom 5:12; 1 Cor 5:10) but
      • we can do all things through Christ (Phil 4:13).

Here is what we can conclude about WHO WE ARE spiritually from above:

      • there is no mistakes in how you are made
      • the core of who you are is God-like and capable of perfection (don’t think in worldly ways here)
      • you are deeply loved and capable of this also
      • all the experiences you’ve had and will have in life, God can make for good and for a good purpose
      • you are the perfect person for your purpose and God is making that so
      • you can be all that you were created to be with God’s help

5.  I acknowledge and do not deny that you love me before I existed, and that you love me unspeakably much, as one gone mad over your creature. — Saint Catherine of Siena            

God is crazy-mad in love with us.  Are you crazy in love with God? Are you crazy in love with you?  Are you crazy in love with others?  Do you believe you are capable of this?  If we allow God’s love to reflect through us, we can be crazy lovers…even back to our self which is so vital to being who you truly are.

6.  Love transforms one into what one loves. We looked at this quote in a previous post.  Here is another thought  on this quote:

If we transform into what we love, then who are we becoming?   What do you love?  If it is anything other than God than you probably won’t become WHO YOU ARE as the crazy loving being that God intended you to be. We are meant to love. But very easily, we can end up loving the wrong things.   Idols, for example, are things that can take our love from God.  They come in many forms–money, work, our body, a person, drugs, alcohol, porn, food.  When we use these things to define our identity, for fulfillment, or to meet our need for love, acceptance, significance or belonging, we create an idol.   Our God-given gifts (talents and strengths) and passions (activities you get lost in or make your spirit soar) can also become idols.  Be ever mindful.  As long as what you love is an extension of love and NOT a source for love, then wholeheartedly pursue it.

7.  Now how can those who do not know their own sinfulness recognize and correct it in others? They are neither able nor willing to go against themselves. –St. Catherine  

WRECKED has recently become a popular slang word.  People say, “she wrecked me,” or “that movie wrecked me.”  What they are talking about is the mind blowing, perception changing, overwhelming positive or negative effect that something had over them.  The dictionary definition of the word is to ruin, damage, or destroy.

Be brave and let God’s love WRECK YOU—in both definitions!   Be willing to ‘go against yourself’ and see how you are being due to thoughts and lies you believe about WHO YOU ARE.  Who are you trying to be?  How are you protecting yourself and your image?  What unloving behaviors are you engaging in out of fear?  Recognizing and owning our unloving ways is painful.  But if we allow this self awareness, we can destroy the image that is trying to make us something we are not.   God’s love also can wreck us because it is mind blowing, a perception changer, and can have an overwhelmingly positive effect on us.  I dare say that most of us are still wrestling with (1) how can God love us when we are so unloving and sinful, and (2) trying to grasp God’s love through the story of Jesus and his resurrection.  Both of those have no shortage of mind blowing, life changing power. If we allow ourselves to receive God’s love it will destroy AND repair us.  Dying to self and becoming a new creation happen when we allow God to wreck us.    Only the descent into the hell of self-knowledge can pave the way to godliness.  –Immanuel Kant

8.  In Self Love, there is always the danger of self hate. In self hate, there is always the possibility of self love.”  –Tina Ng  

Only in attempting great love for others, God or our self can we see our failings—how unloving we can be.    However, it is in these moments when we have the opportunity to love the most.  How ironic!  Our tendency is to go into denial, justify our behavior, blame others, berate our self, give up, or fall into despair and self pity.  If we can, in those moments, love our selves we honor WHO WE ARE.  Oswald Chamber says when we realize or receive conviction about our unloving ways (or someone else’s), it is God’s call to intercession, never faultfinding.  Intercession has no judgment, ridicule and criticism in it; instead it is characterized by acceptance and compassion.  If you spent as much time loving yourself as you do at running from or hating yourself, who do you think you’d be or become?

9.  Sometimes I pretend to be normal, but it gets boring, so I go back to being me. –Unknown

This makes me chuckle because what is ‘normal’?   We allow many things (family, society, friends, church, etc) to tell us what is normal, and, if we don’t live up to that, we pretend.   We can end up living a false, unauthentic version of WHO WE ARE.   This is hurtful to our self, God, and others!  We are meant to be exactly who and what we are in our glorious, precious, messiness!  Loving your self is JUST BEING YOU! When you get to heaven God will not judge you for not being like your ultimate mentor or spiritual hero, God may judge you for not being YOU! Loving myself is bringing every part of myself out into the light to be seen and accepted…by me! –unknown

10. Lastly, I want to share an inspiring music video to end this blog series! Don’t let other people’s words or your circumstances define who you are.

cropped-011114_2043_selfcompass1.jpgENCOURAGING YOUR WHOLE HEARETEDNESS:

I’d love to hear your heart.  Leave a comment or share a thought on what you’ve discovered about WHO YOU ARE.

WHO ARE YOU Part 4: A Taste of WHOOP—Whole Heartedly Opening Our Purpose

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images (10)Love transforms one into what one loves. –Quote from a Facebook post that stuck in my head; author unremembered!

 

 

Last week’s post discussed some of the ways we might behave when we believe two lies:

  • Love Hurts and if God is Love then God Hurts.
  • If God hurts and we are made in His likeness, then we must be hurting and hurtful beings.

The truth of the matter is that God IS love and Love does NOT hurt.  Unloving behaviors hurt.  Who we are in our core is LOVE, and we are beings capable of great love.

Believing that God hurts leads us to believe that we are all hurtful beings, and we then engage in fear-based, self-protective behavior that is rooted in fear.  We begin to avoid the connection, intimacy and love that we’re made for and that we long for.  In order to break this cycle, we need to recognize that feeling unfulfilled is more a reaction of fear (natural instinct and conditioning from past unloving encounters) than a choice to love (our true spiritual essence).

Becoming aware of our false beliefs and acknowledging the behaviors we engage in to protect ourselves isn’t always pleasant.  It takes a great deal of introspection, self-knowledge, willingness, and time.  And let’s not forget COURAGE!  In areas of your life where you feel unrest, anxiety, anger, pain, sadness, or unfulfillment, you are very likely participating in fear instead of love.  To honestly examine your behaviors – to dig into your beliefs and uncover the causes of your actions – takes a great deal of bravery.   So if you are still reading and following these blogs, I want to give you a whole-hearted cheer…a big WHOOP!  You are already being brave, so keep going!

As I promised last week, I want to give you a practical, do-able spiritual practice that will transform you into what you will love.  Here it is: start and practice loving yourself every day at every moment no matter how you are being or what you are doing.  Love yourself and you will transform into something you love! 

images (2)Self-love is a spiritual practice. 

Some of you might be thinking that sounds awfully selfish and self-indulgent.   I used to think so, too.  And this same reaction occurs in my WHOOP groups when I tell them, “for the next 5 weeks you are going to concentrate on YOU and loving yourself!”  We are often taught that loving ourselves is a form of conceit and self-absorption.  We might also think that self-love goes against the selflessness that Jesus teaches by his example.  But I have learned that loving myself is a form of honoring God, and that it also honors others.

Here are some truths I’ve learned about the link between loving myself and loving others:

  • You can’t love others unless you love yourself just as you are at every moment. “Every moment” is the challenging part.  I don’t know of anyone who acts perfectly kind, caring and loving all the time. Least of all me!  But I’ve found that the root of this thinking is within me: the amount I judge and criticize myself is the amount I judge and criticize others.  When I learn to be kinder and gentler with myself—the good and the bad parts—then I can do the same to others.  This is how God loves us—He will never remove His love from us no matter what we think, say, feel, or do.  Check out how many times the word STEADFAST is associated with God’s love; if we are made in the likeness of God, then we are capable of steadfast love for ourselves and others.
  • If you’ve ever flown on a commercial airplane, you’ve heard the oxygen mask instruction, “If you have a small child with you, put your mask on first before helping them.” WHY?  Because if you are struggling to breath, start to panic, or pass out how can you help another.   If you can’t love and take care of you, how are you ever going to love and give care (being selfless) to another!
  • To honor, love and know WHO YOU ARE is how you learn to honor, love, and appreciate who someone else is. The more loving and compassionate you can be toward yourself, the more you can extend love and compassion to others.  When you can forgive yourself for your selfish, controlling or unkind ways, you will be able do to that for others.  That is love!
  • Self-love is believing and practicing the truth about our relationship with God. The extent to which we understand and experience God’s love is the extent to which we can love ourselves and others.   Self love is living out the truth – through our thoughts, deeds, and actions – that there is no separation between us and God. God is in us and we are in God. Therefore, the same kind of love that He gives us, we can give to ourselves and others. We become mirrors—we are to reflect God’s love and we can reflect that love right back to our self and others.
  • Did Jesus show self-love? I would have to say YES! He lived the ultimate Whole Hearted Life.  He totally got God! He knew who he was in and as God. He was conscious of his “being” and “doing”.  He honored what to do for himself to stay true and connected to who he was and his purpose.  He extended love and compassion. He fulfilled his purpose! If he had had one ounce of fear or doubt, I’d hate to think of where we’d be or what we’d be doing.  Have you read the end of Exodus or Leviticus lately?  It will make your head spin with all the proper procedures and sacrifices! I’m so glad Jesus’ new command to us was to love—love your neighbor as you yourself are loved, love God with all your heart, mind and strength, love others as Jesus has loved us.

God’s love and self-love is a sweet dance between us and God.  You can’t seem to have one without the other.
If you love you, you love God.
If you love God, you love you because He is part of WHO YOU ARE.
If you dishonor yourself, you are dishonoring God.
If you dishonor God, you are dishonoring yourself.
If you are not connecting with yourself, then you are not connecting with God.

images (7)Love transforms one into what one loves.

The transforming that occurs is God’s love to us, through us and given back to our self.   (You might need to read that one a few times to let it sink in!) Practice some self love and see what starts to happen in your life.

Practical Tips:

  1. WHAT IS LOVE? WHO IS GOD?  These are big questions.  Anything you can do to study and learn about love and God will be important to understanding how to love yourself.
  • Read the bible. Pick a version that you like!   I like The Voice, The New Living Translation, and The Amplified bible.  There are lots of great study bibles with commentary that explains more of the history and the concepts presented in the bible.
  • Here are a couple books I recommend:
    • Return to Love by Marianne Williamson
    • Keep Your Love On by Danny Silk
    • Immortal Diamond by Richard Rohr
  • Here is a starter for you. Read what 1 Corinthian 13:4 says about love, and practice it on yourself this week:
    • Be patient and kind to yourself.
    • Don’t be rude, crude or indecent to yourself…in words or actions!
    • Don’t get upset with yourself or keep a list of all the things wrong you did today.
    • Love anything and everything that you do this week.
    • Trust, hope and endure however you are “being” this week!
    • Don’t dismiss yourself this week and any shape or form.
    • Remind yourself that you are important and needed by God.
  1. Make a list of 100 Ways to love yourself. Every good life coach eventually asks their client do this list.  WHY?   The list sheds light about WHO YOU ARE, what you like and what feeds your soul.  It also becomes a resource of what to do when you feel the need for love. Once you write the list, put it into practice right away and notice what starts to transpire in your life.  Get your list going by asking these questions:
  • What activities do you like to do that make you feel peaceful or more alive?
  • What activities do you do that make you feel better about yourself?
  • What things do you know from deep down in your heart that if you did them, you’d feel more loved by yourself?
  • What things do you wish someone else did for you to show you love?

These can be big and small things. They can cost money or not.   They can be actual activities or a way you want to be.

Examples:
Light candles
Read more fun books
Take a bath
Listen to music and sing
Drink more water
Brush my teeth
Make my bed in the morning
Have fresh flowers in the house
Don’t go to bed mad
Take family vacations every year
Go on lunch date with girlfriend
Cook a new recipe
Schedule Date nights
Tell the truth in love
Go for a walk
Take an art class
Buy new pajamas
Keep my morning time sacred
Breath before responding when feeling angry
Take responsibility for any behavior I did that might have been hurtful and apologize
Remember to take some healthy snacks in the car so I don’t eat something unhealthy

cropped-011114_2043_selfcompass1.jpgEncouraging Your Whole Heartedness:

I’d love to hear your heart.  Leave me a comment or tell me a few ways you plan to love yourself this week.

WHO ARE YOU Part 3: A Taste of WHOOP—Whole Heartedly Opening Our Purpose

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images (4)Love didn’t hurt you. –Tony Gaskins

If we look at experiences that have caused us heartache and gut wrenching pain, through feelings of rejection, abandonment or grief, we would logically conclude that LOVE HURTS.  Ask anyone who is in a recent break up, a divorce, a betrayal or a loss and they will tell you love hurts.  I googled “love hurts”.  The images that accompanied that search were painful to look through.  I can relate with the pain in the images from my own past breakups, betrayals, and losses.  It hurts to lose what was or what could have been.  Love certainly seems to hurt.

“Love didn’t hurt you.  Someone who doesn’t know how to love hurt you, and you confused the two.”   –quote by Tony Gaskins posted on Facebook

This is so true.  I have hurt others because I didn’t know how to love.  Others have hurt me because they didn’t know how to love.  In small ways it might have looked like being late, assuming instead of asking, being forgetful or not returning a text.  In large ways it may have looked like breaking a promise, refusing to apologize, lying, holding a grudge or feeling justified to not extend my love.  It’s true, not knowing how to love or be loved hurts.

Reading a few comments to Tony’s post, this one caught my eye, “It seems there are lot of people out there who don’t know how to love.”   In His calm small voice I heard God whisper to me, “It breaks my heart that people are hurting others and themselves because they don’t know how to love.  They are not understanding or believing WHO THEY ARE.”  I’ m certain there would be a lot more of us loving and living whole heartedly if we understood and believed who we are!

Are we hurting other humans because we believe big fat lies that love hurts and that WHO WE ARE is something other than what God says we are?

images (1)God is love. (1 John 4:8)

If love hurts and God is love, does God hurt?  Looking at the Old Testament in the bible we could certainly find cases where it appears God acts in unloving ways and thus love hurts.  It appears that He is some kind of punisher waiting for us to break His law only to hurt us for doing so.   If we believe love hurts or that God hurts, how could one ever love and trust God?    But we have to read the whole book!   The bible is a giant love story to us from God.  Here are a couple points from this love story:

  • Jesus came and died to reconnect us with God. What do unloving behaviors do that cause us pain? They push others away.  They detach us from another.  They are rejecting.   God sent His one and only beloved son to die to reconnect us to Him.   That is not hurt, that is intimacy.  Any time we connect with another, especially deeply, that is intimacy.  This kind of love connection is what most of us are seeking and longing.
  • Jesus died to save us from sin. What is sin? Sin is anytime we act on our own out of fear, lack of trust, or selfishness which often hurt others.   Most unloving behaviors come from fear.   The opposite of love is not hate it is fear.   When we fear we don’t trust.  When we don’t trust, we act on our own to protect ourselves.  Many, if not most of those behaviors, are unloving which disconnects us from others and God.   God sent his only son to die for our sins, for our disconnecting ways!  He did it so we would have abilities to connect and have loving relationships with Him and others.
  • Jesus loved and trusted God yet was rejected, scorned and hung on a cross. How could that be love?  Because 3 days later God raised him from death into the living Christ.  Jesus’ death and resurrection is a great metaphor that love transforms. Love brings life. Love can heal even dead things in our life.
  • In addition, the whole process of God sending and giving us His son to cleanse us of sin and reconnect us with Him, brought us the Holy Spirit. God’s love, while seemingly hurtful to Jesus, showed love most of us will never know, transformed Jesus into a healing, life giving love, and endowed us with even more connection with God through the Holy Spirit.

Everything that God did before Jesus came seems to be God’s way of helping us see how disconnected, unloving, fearful and untrusting of God we are, so that when He brought about this intimate, saving, transforming union, we might understand how much He LOVES US.  Knowing WHO YOU ARE is knowing who God is.   God is a heaping, huge, still trying to take it all in, hunk of love!  Which means so are we.

images (3)The bible says we are in God and God is in us.

We are in love and love is in us.   If we believe love hurts what does that say about us?  Are we just a bunch of hurting and hurtful people?   YES, but not because of love, but because we don’t know how to love and we are not understanding and believing who we are and what we are capable of…and that hurts.

What we believe we will live out.   If we believe love hurts or that God is hurtful, we will bring forth our natural human instinct to protect ourselves.   This natural instinct can be reinforced and heightened by the environment we grew up in and experiences we’ve had. In human form if we believe love hurts we’ll become untrusting and guard ourselves against others.   Spiritually, if we believe God Hurts, we will not trust God and we won’t believe that everything He is doing is for a good purpose or that He has a good purpose for us.  Everything that goes wrong or is painful in our life, we will think that God is punishing us or teaching us a harsh lesson. In addition we inflict pain upon ourself, to escape the hurt of feeling unloved and unworthy by others, God or our self.

Here is a list of what may happen when we believe love hurts or God hurts.  This is not an exhaustive list. All of these are out of fear and protection:

  1. We will trust only our self and not God or anyone else.
  2. We will push others away with unloving behavior avoiding connection.
  3. We will deny, avoid, or refuse to acknowledge that we need help or others.
  4. We will also deny, avoid and refuse transformation and connection with God.
  5. We will be selfish, defensive, lie, justify, judge, blame, shame, envy, criticize, retaliate, and compare.
  6. We will be ungrateful, jealous, angry, and unhappy.
  7. We will be suspicious and dismissing.
  8. We will live from a place of lack being greedy and gluttonous.
  9. We will be confused, lack passion, lack direction, and lack motivation.
  10. We will seclude and alienate our self from others.
  11. We will be anxious, depressed, and/or have suicidal thoughts.
  12. We will create idols. Idols are anything we put in God’s place to meet our need for love, acceptance, affection, and worthiness.  Just to name a few, they can be a relationship, marriage, spouse, money, food, things, fame, sex, or recognition.
  13. We may form addictions or even mental illnesses (anorexia, cutting, delusions, and phobias come to mind) to either escape fear and pain or inflict more fear and pain over our unloving feelings towards our self, God, or life.   (Not that all mental illnesses are formed by fear and the belief that love or God hurts, but well rounded treatment would include taking a look at one’s spiritual life.)

Since self-knowledge is one key to knowing WHO YOU ARE and living a whole hearted life, consider these questions:

  1. Who do you believe God is? Do you believe 100% that He is ALWAYS loving and working for good or are there times when you think the hard experiences that have come your way are a punishment or harsh lesson from God?
  2. Do you believe love casts out fear? When have you experienced that?
  3. Do you believe love can be transformative? What experience have you had to know this is true?
  4. What ways are you living out the belief that love hurts? What self protective behaviors do you engage in? When? With who? (Be brave and honest:  look at the list above again and see if any of those self protective behaviors are active in your life, even in your mind.)
  5. How do you treat yourself? Do you love yourself?

I’ll admit, I didn’t need a book to list the above consequences of believing that love hurts or that God hurts.  I’ve performed most of those fear based, protective behaviors outwardly and, if not outwardly, definitely in my mind.  Only if we were loved completely as we needed by everyone we know and have known, would we escape the consequences of protective fear.  We all have exhibited or acted upon those unloving behaviors in some form or fashion for very good reasons.  Don’t berate yourself if you identify with some of the behaviors on the list.  It is not pleasant to become mindful of our unloving ways but it is essential to living a whole hearted life. If you are seriously asking yourself question number 4, I know it will not be fun or easy.   Let me give you some hope.

First, we are created in the likeness of God. (Gen 1:27; Gen 5:1), which means we are love and we are capable of great love for others, God, and our self.   We are not naturally hurtful, unloving people.  We are very much God-Like! We may have a natural instinct to protect our self, but who you are as a God created, loving being can become more of your “doing” and “being” with awareness and practice.   Look at these quotes and let them sink in:

  • We are most ourselves when we love; we are most the people of God when we love. To love we need to realize our unique identity as the people of God who love. (from the introduction to The Message Bible)
  • We are love and we are made for love, and our natural abiding place is love. (Richard Rohr)

Second, sometimes I like to take GOD and LOVE and substitute them for each other when I come across a saying or scripture I like.  Sometimes it gives me more clarity and truth about who God is.  If you recall from last week’s post, knowing God is imperative to knowing and understanding WHO YOU ARE.   It doesn’t always work perfectly, but it can be enlightening.
For example:

  • We are GOD and we are made for GOD, and our nature abiding place is GOD.  (True!)
  • GOD didn’t hurt you.  Someone who doesn’t know how to GOD hurt you, and you confused the two.  (I love it that GOD became a verb, an action word.  It’s like saying, “I’m GODing today!”  Gosh, what would that look like?)

Lastly, love does cast out all fear. Love does transform.  Next week I’m going to talk about how that works in a very practical way.  I’ll talk about how to bring your spiritual loving being into your human living.  Stay tuned!

cropped-011414_2007_selfcompass11.jpgEncouraging Your Whole Heartedness:

I’d love to hear your heart.  Leave a comment or share one way you are going to “GOD” this week!