Death, Divorce, and Heartbreak Part 4: Allow the Space to Become More God-Like

Posted on April 20, 2015 by Barbara Banks

How to deal with Death, Divorce and Heartbreak

Dealing with suffering is not a new topic. I’ve read and listened to wonderful books and teachings on dealing with grief, divorcing with integrity, and what to do after a bad break up. Much of them say the same thing and where brought forth in Part 1 of this blog series:

allow the space to grieve
see the relief and joy
be accepting of what is
look for the blessings
embrace the excitement of creating a new life
learn from the person and experience
honor what was
believe and hold on for the rejoicing to come

Often when I see the word “God”, I will read it as the word “Love”. The pain of death, divorce, or heartbreak can increase our spiritual connection with GOD, it can grow our LOVE, if we choose. This is where FREE WILL, our ability and gift to choose, can be our best friend or our worst enemy.

Love is a choice. God is a choice. We can choose Love/God when we are facing painful experiences.

The foundation of a wholehearted life is to choose Love/God in the context of all our experiences—good ones, painful ones, everyday ones.

So how do you choose Love/God in the midst of painful experiences like death, divorce and heartbreak?

Looking at the list above, there are several things on there that seem totally impossible in the initial stages of deep sorrow and heartbreak. I want to touch on the importance of the first one.

Allow the Space to Grieve

Allowing the space to grieve, to feel the pain of the situation, is so important. It is not in our nature to turn towards pain. We can engage in many activities physically, emotionally, and mentally to avoid it. Ultimately, however, any tactic we use to avoid pain will only cause us more pain. And that pain will disconnect us from others. It will not allow the love and our true self in God to come through for our self or others.

Brene Brown, one of my favorite authors and researchers, has a cute video that explains the difference between empathy and connection versus sympathy and disconnection (Click here to see video). When we feel our pain we grow in empathy. When we can empathize with others, we are connecting with others. Most people who sympathize, who try to make us see the brighter side of things too soon, are avoiding their own pain and yours thus producing disconnection. Connection was God’s ultimate goal for us through Jesus death. We can’t connect if we are avoiding our own painful experiences.

Ultimately, allow yourself to feel your pain so you can empathize with others—so the true you, the love in you, the God part of you can grow, be shared, and connect you with others. This is a choice to love. This is a choice for God and to be more God-Like.

Recently I heard someone say that we need to deal with painful things in “skillful” ways–ways that are non-harming to self or others. What does it look like to allow yourself the space to grieve or feel the pain in “skillful” ways? Here are only a few (I’d love for you to share more “skillful ways” in the comment section):

Cry when you need to. Rage when you need to. Just do it in kind ways—kind to yourself and others.
Find a friend who won’t get tired of you talking through the things that bring up the pain. Seek a counselor if you feel you are wearing your friends out. When my mom passed, I found certain things triggered my grief. It might have been a significant date, a holiday, finding a note she wrote, or a time I wished I could have called to talk over something with her. With divorce and heartbreak the same is true. It will take awhile for all the triggers to come and go. Dealing with the triggers will help them recede and lessen more quickly and thoroughly.
Journal your thoughts and feelings. Grief is often accompanied by anger, guilt, shame, fear, anxieties, and other emotions that effect living fully. Journaling is a safe way to get those feelings out without them being projected on to others potentially hurting yourself and others. I often see journaling as praying to and talking with God who is big enough and empathetic enough to hear and hold our pain as often as we need to say it. Write to God every hour if need be.
The pain from grief and heartache often bring up big spiritual questions. Find support in your church or community of believers to ask your questions.
Read your bible and/or pray. When I have been in times of deep pain and choosing not to turn to other things to deal with it, I found myself restless and unsettled. The last thing I thought I could do was sit still and read the bible or pray. However, when I finally choose (and, honestly, made myself) get in a chair to read the bible or pray, it only took that one time to experience its soothing, calming, and healing power. My chair is the first place I turn to now.

The ultimate goal of dealing with any kind of painful situation is to come out on the other side with more love, more God, more connection, more ability to connect with others.

Recently I read this definition of hope:

Hope is the fruit of a learned capacity to suffer wisely and generously.

“Suffering wisely” is dealing with your pain in loving ways leaving behind any tactics to avoid it. “Generously” is the ability to empathize with others because you understand and know pain. By not avoiding it, you become a Godly, loving support and a beacon of hope for others. In addition, the fruit of hope you gain from suffering wisely makes the other things on that list above possible.

JUST A NOTE:

Many times I’ve heard that if I trusted God more, believed the promises of the bible, or loved God more than anything else that I would not feel pain. That is a bunch of hooey! Jesus believed, trusted, loved, and even was God and He felt pain.

John 11: 33 (Voice) says: When Jesus saw Mary’s profound grief and the moaning and weeping of her companions, He was deeply moved by their pain in His spirit and was intensely troubled.

A few verses later “…Jesus wept and everyone noticed how much Jesus must have loved Lazarus.”

Jesus was grieving, feeling, and empathizing.

Allow yourself space and time to feel your pain. This will grow you in love and being more of and for God.

Encouraging Your Whole Heartedness:

I’d love to hear your heart on this topic or any “skillful” ways you’ve used to deal with pain from death, divorce, and heartache.

Gentleness: A Fruit of a Whole Heart Life

Posted on November 12, 2014 by Barbara Banks

Today I’m linking in with BE STILL BE FREE. I love their weekly podcasts and blog posts. Wednesdays are their link up day where other bloggers can post a thought, story, or pondering about a specific topic. Today’s topic is Gentleness. Be sure to click on the BE image to the left and enjoy their podcasts and wise words.

I truly need a doggie door on my beautiful screened in porch. My faithful companion, Allie, Border Collie extraordinaire, likes to open the screen door to let herself out to roam. As smart as she is, I have yet to train her to shut the door.

On more than one occasion, while the door has been open, birds have flown in and become trapped on the porch.

When I find the frightened little souls flying about banging into the screen, their feathered breasts beating fast, and squawking frantically, I start talking to the bird in a sweet, gentle tone.

“It’s okay. No need to be afraid. I’m not going to hurt you. The door is right over there. I just want to help you get free.”

I talk quietly and peacefully as I slowly and steadily coax it towards the door. I am also a bit scared it will fly right at me and get tangled in my hair, or worse case scenario, peck an eye out! Oh, not to mention that it might relieve itself on me in its fear-filled state!

I think this is a common reaction upon finding helpless beings–a bit nervous with a desire to help. Deep down in our nature we understand fear and being gentle, soothing beings. I find this especially true for most of us with animals.

What about with scared and fear-filled human beings?

What do we usually do when someone starts banging around and squawking?

In relationships, when we have triggered someone’s fears, the behaviors don’t generally send us into gentleness mode. The frightened partner can become defensive, critical, large, and angry. Or they may become incredibly quiet, distant, and defiant. Our tendency is to run the other way physically or emotionally, get our battle gear on and squawk back, or become so overwhelmed we do nothing!

When God or an angel showed up in the bible, they were always reassuring their encountered person with “Do not be afraid.” No doubt their presence was a bit overwhelming, unusual, and fear producing.

I’m pretty sure they were not squawking or screaming “DO NOT BE AFRAID!!!!!”

I imagine it was in such a compassionate, gentle voice much like how I talk to the frightened birds.

How much different would it be if we remembered gentleness with those who have just been trapped on the screen porch of fear? Maybe some empathy, some compassion, some gentle reassuring words would help them find the door to freedom.

Death, Divorce, and Heartbreak Part 3: The Pain of Free Will

Posted on November 11, 2014 by Barbara Banks

“What makes heartache through divorce or break ups so much more difficult for me to deal with than death?”

This was the big question I asked in last week’s post (click HERE to read last week’s post). It is the questions I’ve been asking God for years. Death never brought me so much despair I wished for death but heartbreaks have. (This is not written from the perspective of suicide or violent deaths or relationships that had to end due to harmful abuse.)

The Pain of Free Will

Death is not a choice.

Death is beyond our FREE WILL. Our bodies will die.

Love is a choice.

We have FREE WILL to love what and who we want. We even have free will to choose how much will love others or things.

Love is a commitment to spend time, energy, resources, care, and share life with someone. There are different levels of this commitment in our lives with different people. Those are needed and healthy for us.

The level of commitment that we are finding in marriages (and most relationships) today is dismal. How easily we seem to turn on and off our love for people we have promised to love, honor, and cherish for the rest of our lives. How easily we say “I love you” to people and then run out the door at the slightest hint of a problem or expression of a need.

In relationships there is always a choice. Death isn’t a choice, it’s an inevitable fact.

Yes, when someone dies the relationship is not what it was. The physical presence of that person is gone. The acts of love that were readily available with them in body form are no longer there. There is, however, no grappling with someone’s choice of who and where they turned their love.

When someone leaves the relationship through death, it is not because they no longer loved the people around them.

They did not go because they chose to love someone else or chose not to be committed anymore.

When someone chooses to leave a relationship, they have chosen to stop directing a certain level or all of their love toward another.

When it happens in the context of a committed relationship, it can be very painful.

We all have the freedom to UN-CHOOSE someone. A big fear we all face in relating to others is rejection. Being un-chosen is rejection. We tend to put up all kinds of fronts, play relational games, and squelch ourselves emotionally so we won’t ever feel this terrible hurt.

For me, when someone chooses to turn their love off, I can panic. I get fearful and start doing things I wish I didn’t. I may find myself running away, freezing all my emotions, or fighting back in an attempt to control. There is no peace in taking control. And no amount of fixing, controlling, or manipulating will bring me my heart’s desire, which is for the other to freely choose to love me.

As hard as it is, I must accept that if someone chooses to not love me, I cannot MAKE THEM love me. True love is the kind that God wants from us.

God’s deepest desire is for us to freely choose to love Him. He has been working to reconnect with us since Adam and Eve freely choose to eat that darn apple. It has taken thousands and thousands of years for Him to tell us how much He loves us. It has taken wrath, floods, laws, stories of sinful people, a big book of His Word, hundreds of promises, forgiveness, mercy, grace, and the death of His son. Still, He is waiting for so many of us to freely choose to love Him.

He has the power to build universes and raise the dead, but He will not MAKE US love Him.

And despite our choice, He keeps choosing us–to love us, to be committed to us, to care for us, to listen to us, to meet our needs.

If you have ever felt the pain of unrequited love, divorce, or heartbreak, this is what God feels….all the time, day in and day out, a million times over.

Longing. Heartbreak. Crushing pain. Stomach aches and turnings.

And yet, despite the pain, He will love us even when we don’t love him.

God never finds us unworthy, too much, or too sinful to keep loving. As I heard in church this Sunday, God even said NO to Jesus when he prayed for the “cup to pass”. God wanted us to know His love. He wanted us to be able to come to Him. God found us worthy of a huge, heart wrenching sacrifice with a giant NO to His beloved son.

God feels every day what I have felt when I’ve been un-chosen.

God totally gets what I’m going through because He knows what happened in the garden and He knows how to fix it. It is not His fault I’m learning or going through what I am. I’m not being punished or taught a harsh lesson. I have just experienced the world of Adam and Eve–the world of free choice of love and commitment.

If I had not gone through some break up experiences, I’m not sure I would fully understand how much God feels when we choose to not love.

God, in His own awesomeness, just keeps on loving despite the rejection. This is a good reminder to keep choosing love in the face of other’s free will choices and the potential pain of love.

Death is easier for me because love is still there. I don’t feel un-chosen when someone dies.

I have not lost love, I have just lost the body the love was coming through.

I will miss the person greatly and yet still feel loved.

With divorce and heartbreak the body is still there but the love is gone. It’s hard to watch a body that once flowed with love toward us still be alive and choose to flow love somewhere else.

The truth of free will is I have no control over another’s choice to love or not love. I do have a choice in how I will choose.

I can continue to choose love. I can choose to respond like God does and in ways the bible says is best. I can choose peace. I can choose to remember that I am never really UN-CHOSEN or UNLOVED because God will always choose to love me…and that is a soothing reality when a heart is troubled.

Free will is a great gift from God—for pain or peace.

It is a huge responsibility knowing our choices can have a painful effect on others…and God. And, still, we get to choose.

Encouraging Your Whole Heartedness:

Choose FREELY to leave a comment…or not! But I’d love to hear your heart on the above.

Death, Divorce, and Heartbreak Part 2: A Personal Reflection

Posted on November 3, 2014 by Barbara Banks

I was telling a friend, “I’m much better at death than heartache through divorce or breakups.”

I have known this about myself for quite some time.

And I have asked God, “What makes heartache so much more difficult for me to deal with than death?”

I loved reading Nancy Drew Mystery books when I was growing up. God must remember this about me because when I have big questions He never gives me the answer straight up. I have to become a detective being keenly aware of what He reveals to me over time to start to piece together the answer to my personal perplexing questions. (I’m thinking many of you can relate to this, also!)

These next few blogs will present the pieces of the mystery I have so far in regards to why divorce and heartbreak have been much harder for me than death. This particular post will talk about all the grace God has given me through my life which has made death a more peaceful process. The next posts will discuss some revealed truths about what makes heartbreak so much more difficult for me….and maybe you…and some wholehearted ways to deal with divorce and breakups.

PERSONAL EXPERIENCES OF DEATH AND HEARTBREAK

Seventeen years ago I watched as my mom battled cancer for two years and then pass away. Just 4 weeks ago I watched as father’s body was overcome by cancer, and he too passed away.

In each of those instances I was fortunate to be prepared for their deaths.

I was given time to talk with them, say what I’ve always held in my heart about them, and hear what they wanted to say to me. Though my mom was too young in my eyes to leave this world, it was God’s grace that I was given notification. With my dad, he lived a full life, and in God’s grace, again, I was given notification.

Working in a hospice for a short bit in my 20’s, I learned that time is precious.

Don’t wait till the “notification” comes to deal with something or say something you’ve always wanted.

That was a lesson I integrated wholeheartedly, so in the last few days of each of my parent’s lives, my heart found only a few questions I had always wanted to ask—what they enjoyed most about their lives, what were their spiritual beliefs that I didn’t know, how my mom felt about my dad, what my dad had always wanted to do but didn’t, any last words of advice they wanted to pass on. The information from those questions has been precious to me.

I was fortunate in their deaths to have time to prepare and send them off with love.

The heartache from my parents’ deaths was a mix of sadness and joy: I miss them yet thankful I had them for as long as I did, I became much more aware and grateful for what they taught me and passed on to me, there was no more suffering for them to endure, and I was peaceful about their belief and trust in God to take them to heaven where I’d see them again.

Obviously, having spiritual life makes death and dying more peaceful.

Knowing that my parents are finally with God and that they are more loved and joyous then they were ever on earth makes their going much easier.

I have been fortunate. My close family has not experienced sudden deaths, tragic deaths, or unexpected deaths. In High School several of my classmates were killed in car wrecks and I did observe, from afar, the mournful cries and moaning of their families. Something I’ll never forget. And I knew the anger and the “words can’t describe” shock and pain I felt at the loss of those friends. I have walked a few friends and clients through the process of sudden child or spouse deaths.

But for the most part death for me has been easier to deal with and adjust to than divorce or relationship heartbreaks.

I have never been afraid of dying. I have had fear about HOW I will die, but that seems to be waning as well. Someone once said that I was probably not scared to die because my spirit remembers where it came from and longs to go home. That made sense to me, even though this was said to me during a time when my Christian walk was trying to come back to life! I was “saved” at 11 y/o but spent many years between then and 45 y/o walking in and out of churches like a Velcro ball that lost its place to stick or stickiness.

Have I wished for death? Yes, I have wished for death…but never after someone dies only after heartbreak!

I’ve had 3 significant relationships (one engagement, one with my husband of 20 years, and one long term relationship) with men I mindfully chose to put forth effort for a lasting, committed relationship. The ending of those relationships were devastating to my heart and mind. I was a mess! I’d cry for days, and honestly, even months or years later. Part of me felt lost or gone. Direction and goals I had disappeared. I felt empty and alone. Life seemed dark and hopeless.

Death wishes would come sometimes as fervent prayers for God to take me home and sometimes just as a comfort and an escape.

I have a daughter who I love wholeheartedly and even that didn’t keep them from coming. I didn’t like that.

At some point don’t we realized that life is all about relationships (not work, money, things, etc)? My relationship with God, YES…yet others, too! But if this is what life on earth is like with relationships, then I can’t wait till I’m gone.

I remember sitting in church singing songs about how everything will be amazing and wonderful when we get to heaven, and listening to sermons on the hardships of life but we had heaven to look forward to.

These were all well and good, but what am I to do in the mean time till I get to go to heaven?

I would have thought that death would have brought such a reaction for me. I know it has for others that have lost children, spouses, and parents. And I do believe, if I had tragically lost my ex-husband during our marriage or tragically lose my daughter, some of those same thoughts would appear. But my deep down grief and sorrow have come after relationship loss and not death loss. What was the difference? Why was this seemingly so much harder? How could I bring the peace I experience through the loss to death into the loss of a significant relationship?

(Come back next week for some things God has taught me about this.)

Encouraging Your Whole Heartedness:

Can you relate to the difference in my reactions to death and heartbreak? I’d love to hear your heart. Leave me a comment or a snippet of your story on death and heartache.